In adoption land we hear many stories of waiting. Stories of waiting for a positive pregnancy test, waiting for adoption placement, waiting to become a mother, waiting and holding their breath to see if a birthmother will change her mind, waiting for the judge to make it final.
Oh, I know about waiting. I know about desperate prayers, on my knees and dying to self during the waiting, You could say I've been waiting my whole life to find the pieces to my puzzle. I'd become familiar with the yearning to know why I was given away and if she had any regrets. I would stare into the mirror and pray that one day I would know my mother, and that in my reflection I would see how her eyes form the same shape when we smile, that our hairline met at the same places on our face, and the raised mole below the corner of my lip was from her.
I placed my information on Adoption Reunion forums as soon as I turned 18. For some reason I believed this would be the magical year that my birth records would be available to me. I thought by law my mother had to wait until I was 18 to find me, because SURELY she was desperate to find me. I know about checking those adoption reunion registries year after year after year, only to find that no one was looking for you in return.
Two years ago at the age of 40, I realized the state I was born in had opened up birth records for adoptees. All I had to do was fill out the proper paperwork, have it notarized, and drop it in the mail to wait. The paperwork said to allow 6-8 weeks for processing, but a week later an envelope from the state of Kansas appeared in my mailbox. It happened so fast, yet I had waited so long. I poured myself a glass of wine and called a friend to hold me together. Through tears we opened it and it said Baby Girl (mothers maiden name). Surreal to say the least and a title I didn't know could bring such strong emotions. The waiting continues however because I believed I would be receiving a full name of my mother and father. Nope.......just a maiden name, and zero information for my father.
I was in some luck that my mothers maiden name was an uncommon name, and the detective in me went straight to Facebook to search for my family. I didn't want to waste one more minute waiting to find them. In two days I narrowed down who I thought my mother was, found her address in the white pages and wrote her a letter. I wanted her to hear my heart in my words and feared that if I called I would frighten her away. I also couldn't face the thought of hearing her voice if it was a call of rejection.
This is where God lead me through the desert. This waiting was one of the darkest moments of my life, and I let my heart and mind lead me straight to the fear of being abandoned once again. I made myself dizzy and ill checking the mailbox, Facebook, and my email for a response. I lost weight, couldn't eat, began having chest pain believing I was having a heart attack all due to this overwhelming stress. During this time of waiting, when I couldn't turn off the voices that said she's never going to respond I prayed, I cried, I worshiped, I pleaded and yelled out to God. A particular song kept showing up on my Pandora just exactly when I needed it the most. Steffany Gretzinger's Letting Go. When my heart was heavy and felt like I might die, this song would come on and totally break me every.single.time.
You brought me to the end of myself
and this has been the longest road
just when I thought my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song
I am letting go and falling into you
I felt a wave of peace rush over me listening to these lyrics and felt God holding me and all of my broken pieces. I needed to let go of the anger, the fears of rejection, the story I had told myself of unloved, unwanted, and unworthy and fall into the arms of my Father who would never leave me despite the answers I may find or not find in my waiting.
I confess I still get scared sometimes
but perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin
One morning during this exhausting test of patience, that song came on. Only this morning I had had it, I was done. I was broken and defeated like I have never felt before. That song came on again and instead of peace I felt mad. I screamed out loud to God.... I need a new song!!!
The next song that broadcasted through my Pandora that very minute was titled NEW SONG. Not only is God listening, but what a great sense of humor. That same day my waiting came to an end, and my mothers email popped up in my mailbox. She had received my letter and most certainly wanted to know me.
I know about the waiting. The heart ripped open and the air so thin and hard to breathe. I also know the wind on the other side of the mountain, like being brought home.