Mother, is it You?

I thought about my mother my entire life. So many dreams, expectations, fantasies, and also worries that she would never want to know me. Two years ago, when my search began, I will never forget staring at her photo on Facebook, and examining every bit of her face searching to find bits of me. Could this be her? I stared at her smile, her hairline, the way the light met her eyes and even though now it seems obvious, I second guessed myself. Could I even recognize my own mother if I saw her face in a crowd? After getting second opinions from my husband and my bestfriends I became more confident that it really could be her and sent my letter off. This letter was one of the hardest things I ever have put pen to paper.  I carefully chose my words. Sound loving, but not over the top. Do not scare her away whatever you do, If I were a secret she would rather not resurface, let her know I just want some answers. What if she thought I was interrupting her life, wanted to write my way into her will, or I needed a kidney? Keep it simple with the perfect amount of emotion. Not too much, and not too little. If the answer is rejection, do not leave a phone number...just an email. Protect yourself.
​I know why I felt like I needed to tiptoe through this mine field, but if I knew then what I know now I would have been reckless with my heart. I would have told her how my heart wasn't whole without her. I wouldn't have said " I'm just looking for information." What a false statement! I should have shouted from the rooftop that I wanted a relationship with her and make her know for certain my love for her.
​

It was her! What seemed like eternity for a reply, in actuality was just a few weeks. She had never told her three grown sons about me, so she needed time to break the news to them all. I will never in my life forget the anxiety and fears rushing in my head as I dialed her number for that first phone conversation. Will she like me? What on earth will we talk about? What if she doesn't really want to know me? Was I ruining her life by reentering 40 years later? Maybe she would rather sweep it all under the rug, and call it good?
​The honeymoon period began. We had polite conversations over the phone and got to know each other on the surface. I was craving more. I wanted all of the answers, I wanted to know I was missed. I needed to know I mattered and I wanted every bit of every detail. We talked about the weather and a lot about her kids. Why didn't she ask about my family? My childhood? My feelings? Dang it! Ask about me.
​A reunion was planned and it was one of the best and most difficult times of my entire life. They had the video camera rolling for the first embrace. They threw me a birthday party with cake and balloons for all of the birthdays missed. There were " It's a Girl" signs hanging, as if they had all held their breath waiting for Baby Girl to return. It was beautiful, joyful, overwhelming, draining.....all of the things. Its a total mind %$#* to feel so happy to have my mother I yearned for back in my life, and to also accept that we were strangers.
​I thought finding the missing pieces to my puzzle would help me release the anger of being adopted. And yet I still find myself floating between belonging and lost. I find myself angry that it took me 40 years to discover who I was and where I came from. Forty years lost that can never be returned. It makes me feel guilt that I'm not content with the story of being chosen, lucky and loved. Angry that the world believed I would never be affected by the loss of my first family. I was "touched by adoption" and it just keeps slapping me in the face.
​I've waited my whole life to have my mother back, and even when its hard and I am afraid, I will always choose to be a part of her life ( and I will walk on eggshells hoping she wants to stay in my life)
A Thousand Years
Christina PerriHeart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything, take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed, I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed, I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more