Someone should have told you that adoption would define you for the rest of your life. Your parents thought they brought home a three day old blank slate, baby girl. They thought that if they never talked about adoption, you wouldn't feel adopted. They wouldn't understand that even as an infant, my body and my heart were mourning. When I cried so hard and then held my breath it might of been a message you were trying to send. We knew her voice, her smell, knew our home in her womb....and then she was gone. Vanished without explanation.
Somewhere along the line you were given the message that your role as an adoptee was to deny your feelings to protect your loved ones. Someone should have given you the greenlight to share your heart, share your pain, and share your questions. Someone should have said we may not have all the answers, and we may not do this perfectly, but we are willing to stumble for our love for you is greater than our need to be perfect.
Someone should have reminded you more often how loved and wanted you were. If we could make them understand that the adoption language such as chosen and gift, always has an opposite meaning. That if we are chosen and a gift by our adoptive parents, what does that make us to our first family? Someone should have told you simply I love you over, and over again, because we need to be reminded.
Someone should have told you God did not plan this for you. No more than did God plan infertility. Someone should have shared God's love for you like a Father loves his children. He doesn't want to see us hurting- that's not His will. God is for you, He is with you and He adores you.
Someone should have told you it wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong by being born. You are not a burden, a bastard, a bad choice, a second thought, an inconvenience. Someone should have told you the weight of all of those words was never meant for you to carry. Someone should have reminded you over and over again of your worth, your value, and the mark you have left and will leave in the lives of others.
Someone should have told you that your pain and trauma wasn't just you. You weren't making it up. You see society is going to tell you " no, no, no" " your pain is not real" " you just had a bad experience because most adoptees are happy and grateful," Someone should have allowed you to fully grieve, feel ALL of your feelings without trying to justify or fix it. Sometimes we just need a witness.
Someone should have told you that when you grow older you are going to discover motherhood and it will be the first time in your entire life to stare into a face that mirrors yours. Your heart will know unconditional love like you have never experienced before. You will make it your life's mission to tell them they are loved as they are, not as they should be......because none of us are ever going to be as we should be. We are all beautifully broken. The beautiful jagged edges just as lovely and purposeful. Someone should tell you that you will use your story and your deepest pain not only to heal yourself but to others who know what this journey feels like. You will find out you were never alone. Someone should remind you when you are older, and you grow weary, when your voice seems shaky and unheard, that it's you that I keep trotting on for. Head held high, one foot in front of the other, we march on for the little girls like you.
Your grownup self