I'm so frustrated with the voices that say you must choose OR thinking. I could just pull every hair out of my head because its everywhere you go.
Gun lover or banish all guns from the face of the earth....take them all.
Immigrant or terrorist to be feared
Democrat or Republican
Conservative or Liberal
Left or Right
Saved by grace or only if we've earned it ( whatever hoop to jump through you want to label)
Kneel or don't kneel. Patriotic or guilty of Nationalism
You get my point. The world says you are one OR the other. We couldn't possibly believe that there should be sensible gun control and the rights to protect oneself. We must choose that the problem is mental illness OR a gun problem. How about we have a gun problem and we want those with mental illness to get the help they need AND in the mean time lets make it more difficult for someone to get their hands on a gun if they have mental illness.
Let's consider that it is possible to love America AND understand that God doesn't just bless America. When the Bible says " For God so loved the WORLD, that He gave his one and only son" I think the key words to take away are loved AND world.
I could really get fired up and going on about a lot of these scenarios but I'm going to move on to adoptionland. I'm going to point out the problems with OR thinking and how if we look a little closer, take down our defenses we can see things a little differently. We'll call this the ability to show up and break down the walls that say you can't be seen or heard.
1. You must choose be for OR against adoption.
Why can I not be able to see that in some cases adoption is for the best case of the child but there are also many times adoption occurs unethically or a permanent decision is made for a temporary problem.
2. Adopted OR destined for abortion.
Oh my goodness....how many times as an adoptee are we told this.....be thankful you were not aborted. Excuse me!?!? Abortion is not the alternative to adoption for many women. Parenting is.
3. I'm grown in a heart OR a tummy
I grew in both of my mothers hearts AND in one tummy. I'm not confused about how I was born and to whom loved me.
4. Grateful or ungrateful
Stop with this. I am grateful my mother gave me life. I am full of gratitude for the love and support of my adoptive family. Here comes the AND... and I am aware and sensitive to the trauma I experienced and continue to experience from being severed from my first family.
5. I'm a gift or a shameful burden
Well which is it? This one is so painful to dissect. The world told my mother that because she had a child out of wedlock she is a sinner, she's not enough, she's probably on drugs, a whore and embarrassment to the family. But oh how the tide changes when she decides to make an adoption plan. Hopeful adoptive parents sing her praises and point out her BRAVE LOVE. Adoption agencies tell her that her baby deserves more than she can give her. All of a sudden this subject of embarrassment is a beautiful gift. Sigh! Wasn't I always the gift? I do believe you when you call her brave...so much brave...but would you call her that if she chose to parent also?
6. God's plan or God sits with us in our pain
I do not believe that I was set apart by God to be destined to life without my first family. God weeps with myself and my family. We were not part of some divine plan that blesses one mother over another. Sometimes in life we feel the need to justify everything. Someone dies and people say God needed him more. No. Infertility happens and suddenly their is a calling from God to adopt. God placed adoption on their hearts. No. They say God knew I needed you. Listen, there are tragedies, there is heartache, AND God doesn't cause our ashes. God is the author of love and like a loving father he hurts when we hurt.
7. Joy or sorrow. Beauty or ashes
There are no rules for grief. Can we get this one straight? You can stop telling adoptees to "get over it". No, no,no! It's ok to smile, laugh, sing, dance, rejoice AND....AND its totally understandable to have sorrow, to lament, to have sadness. I write my own story and I dance my own dance.
" Maybe it's okay if it takes time to be okay. Maybe healing is a road that is paved with endless grace" Morgan Harper Nichols
Take your time and be gentle with yourself dear one. You can choose AND