For an adoptee to "come out of the fog", one must come to a realization that they never honored their true inner feelings of being relinquished. When I was asked if I was interested in finding my family, I would answer no because I knew my role as an adopted daughter. My loyalty was to my adoptive family and I was grateful. Even at a young age I knew the backlash of being honest that I longed to know and be loved by them. After finding my family as an adult, and coming fully out of the fog, one of the heaviest scars is the story that my parents, adoptive parents, the church and society tells me of God's plan for my life.
I have read blog after bog...Instagram feeds that tell the glorious tale of God placing a calling on their hearts for adoption. They were called to adopt. Ok we'll get back to this. What I want to talk about is this spiritual warfare that has been going on in my heart as I read these stories. The past few months I haven't felt distant from God, but I have felt so let down and removed from religion. I hear these adoptive parents sharing the most intimate, sacred moments of their child's life. A loss that they can never fathom, and many of them so deaf to those screaming their tale of pain because in their mind God chose them. They quote Bible verses such as " For this Child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27-28 God is used like a magic wand. This is where my heart says if this is what your religion offers than I want nothing of it. Their " God's plan" story tells a tale of a God who cares nothing for mother and child. I know for a fact my mother also prayed for this child, but she had zero support. Her heartache hidden in the deepest shadows of her soul. God was there, but where does she fit into their adoption journey calling? Was there a divine calling to adopt or after infertility was that the next chronological step?
Yesterday I spoke with an adoptive mother who described to me life with a child with RAD ( Reactive attachment disorder). She spoke of the dreams and plans she had with her child, but these dreams seemed shattered when the child failed to attach and showed significant behavioral issues due to trauma. She was promoting an author, speaker, and adoptive parent who chose to rehome her child with RAD. This mother spoke to me with respect and patience as I challenged- and I mean asking the hard questions claws out, her thoughts on rehoming. I will leave this touchy subject for another day, but I couldn't help but think of the God's plan scenario. Like shopping for a new appliance, and when it didn't look the way you thought, didn't fit the space, was too noisy, it is returned. As if children can be comparable to ordering from the Sears catalog. I'm not for one minute dismissing the complexity or struggle of parenting a child with trauma, but was it not the relinquishment that caused the trauma in the first place? A second abandonment will not be for the child's best interest and health. Am I crazy for thinking not? And did God call you to rehoming? Was this all apart of the journey and God's plan?
It can be so maddening and isolating trying to share my heart and when I feel depleted I tend to forget that yes, religion has failed me, but all I have ever needed God's hand has provided. God has never abandoned me and continues to show up over and over again. It's often in the times I feel the most alone, that God shows me we are given to one another. This spiritual darkness has opened my eyes that there are voices upon voice who echo mine. I was never alone. God carves space in my heart for those who seem like we are on opposite sides of the white flag yelling " I surrender, I surrender." Have you ever felt so emotionally drained that if someone even looked at you the wrong way, you might crack? I had been lying in bed, tears streaming down my face and I told my husband sometimes I just want to check out. I wasn't telling him I wanted to kill myself, that's not what I meant, but I just wanted to not be present to all of these adoption feelings. I wanted to never see the look on his face when I start talking about adoption again. I wanted to quiet the voices that try to tell me my worth, and I thought if I was checked out I wouldn't want to throat punch the next person who said " We are all adopted by God" like that makes us all the same. A few days later I went to the words of Pastor Nadia Bolz Weber. I listen to her sermons through podcast when I need to be reassured of God's love. She says "Gods voice is the warm voice of a mother to her newborn." She reminds me that God sits with me in my darkest hour and that we are never alone.
you can listen here. I have many favorites but just listened to Wounds and Wells; a Sermon on the Samaritan Woman