My birthday is in four days, Two years ago, I had the exact same feelings leading up to my birthday every single year. Two years ago something changed.... but only a little, and its hard to explain. You see, two years ago I found my biological mother and things that were always the same became different, and yet things that were different remained the same. Let me back track a little.
Pre reunion this date brought an overwhelming sense of loss and a downright confusion that made me feel like I was manic. I was anxious about feeling celebrated, and also preparing myself for the letdown of being forgotten. I wanted a big hoorah, and yet I wanted to hide under the covers and have the world forget about me. I wanted to feel loved and adored, but also push people away. I wanted to dance, live large, laugh until it hurts, and also cry until it aches and let the world become quiet.
I thought of my mother all of the time, but this was the one day that I thought if she's thinking of me too, surely today's the day. I held space for my mother on my birthday. A sacred space that I let no one know about. There wasn't one person I shared my birthday issues with, like most of my adoption trauma. I became my own caregiver for the wounds I was certain no one would ever understand.
Fast forward, and my birthday is in four days. This year I know my mother and my father are thinking of me. I don't even have to guess because they can call me to wish me a Happy
Birthday. It's freaking amazing, right? And yet is it because I've conditioned myself all of these years to have issues with a stupid birthday? Am I self sabotaging? Will I ever pull my child self out and stop thinking of all that could have been and all that should have been?
My birthday is in four days. I'm going to blow out the candles, laugh until my belly hurts and I'm going to crawl into bed, pull the covers up high and have a good cry. I'm going to hold space for it all.